Too Big, Too Soon

My kids are growing up too fast.  Especially T.  He is starting preschool on Wednesday, and it's at the point where I can no longer deny it.  My anxiety has been through the roof this past week, partly due to family problems, and partly due to feeling like my oldest is going to leave me.

I know he's only going to preschool for a few hours a day, and I know he needs it, and he will still need me, but I'm still fighting the feeling of abandonment.  I've struggled with anxiety problems for the past 13 years, and I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, which I know contributes a lot to me feeling like this.

I know he will love preschool.  He went to speech camp for a month this summer and had a great time.  It also helped him be more vocal, which is great.  It is still pretty much impossible to understand most of what he says, though, due to the speech apraxia.  I'm just happy he's even trying to talk.  He had no words at all until after he was 3.

We had to fight tooth and nail to get him into this special preschool.  We still have to fight to get him OT so someone will help him with the behavioral side of things, but it's a start.  I will miss him so much while he is gone.  It just feels different than if he were to go visit his grandparents for a few hours. 

He's old enough to go to school.  He's not my little baby anymore.  I can't remember him as a baby.  At all.  I see pictures and I know he was that little, but I can't specifically remember anything of him as a baby besides giving birth to him.  The next memories I have are when he was close to a year old.  I feel like the time is flying by too fast, and I just want to slow it down to savor every moment.

At the same time, I want him to learn and be able to talk like the other kids.  I want him to make friends and be normal.  He's never had a playdate.  He's met kids at the playground and, since he's big for his age, the older kids wonder why he doesn't talk and won't play with him.  The younger kids won't play with him either because he is always too close to them and doesn't respect their personal space.  He cannot grasp the concept, and, although the other parents understand when I explain, the kids are uncomfortable around him.

I want him to be normal, or at least be around other kids who have similar issues, or who aren't bothered by his.  I want this school to improve his speech to the point where he can go to regular kindergarten.  I've thought about holding him back from kindergarten a year so he and his sister can be in the same grade because she understands him.

I want him to grow up and go out into the world, but I want to protect him.  I'm afraid kids will be mean to him like they were to me growing up.  I'm afraid he won't fit in.  I'm afraid I won't know how to handle anything going wrong with him because I'm such an emotional person, and when I'm upset, I know I'm not at all rational.

But I don't want my fears to affect him.  He doesn't see me crying at night because I feel like I'm going to lose him as he grows up.  He can't see my anxiety behind my forced cheer when I tell him about school.  So, on Wednesday, I'm going to dress him in his new school clothes, with his pirate backpack, and drive him to school.  I'm going to walk him in like all the other parents, give him a kiss, and wish him good luck.  And hopefully, I will make it back to my car before I burst into tears in front of all the other parents.