Things I Have Done

Last week I wrote a list of Things I've Never Done, so here's one of things I have done.
I am 27 and I have:

1. Been to jail (I was only there for 2 days, though).

2. Visited Versailles (if you've never gone, you're not missing anything-it's so moldy I got sick both times I went)

The gardens are pretty cool, though.

3.  Seen someone throw a dead body out of their car onto the highway.

4. Had hair so long it was past my butt.

5. Traveled to France, Germany, Mexico, Canada, the Dominican Republic, and South Korea.

6. Given money to a homeless man outside my apartment and later saw on the news that he killed someone (and I probably paid for his bus or train ticket out of Philly).

7. Run up the Philadelphia Art Museum steps like I was Rocky Balboa.

My old apartment is the first building on the right that you can see

8. Had someone steal my favorite cat (Fart, I still miss you even though everyone else hated you, and if I ever get a chance, I will steal you back).

 This is not Fart but is an eerily similar cat I tried to adopt from Petsmart

9. Been involved in a knife fight.

10. Gotten lots of tattoos and piercings (although I only have my ears and nose pierced now).

11. Been addicted to drugs and tried almost every drug in the book, but managed to come out on top.

12. Received love songs from someone in prison.

13. Owned a jeweled cockroach that I could attach to a brooch and wear (yes it was alive-I had it for almost 3 years and kept it in a terrarium).

Seriously, it was so cool.  I wish I had another one.

14. Watched a bag full of frozen rodents fall onto my dad's friend's head (it was hysterical, and they were dead pets that we were keeping until the ground thawed and we could bury them).

It looked kind of like this, but there were some dead guinea pig babies too.

 15. Given birth naturally and without any drugs at at to 2 of my 3 children (and I have an epidural horror story with my oldest).

16. Owned the best Husky ever that we rescued right before his 3rd birthday (he lived to the ripe old age of 14 and held on until I could see him one last time).

17. Stretched my earlobes to 5/8" when I was 17 because I didn't know that was way past the point of no return (which is approximately 5/16").

I still had my lip pierced and another nose piercing when this photo was taken.

 18. Lost my bikini bottom while snorkeling (one of the guides had to go get it off the reef while another held a towel around me while I got on the boat practically naked).

19. Had my boobs done (it was technically corrective surgery and not cosmetic, though).

20. Been to Ozzfest and joined the mosh pit with my friend for  my 17th birthday.

21. Watched a transsexual prostitute get into a fight with her pimp.

22. Had my driver's license suspended in Virginia because I refused to pay the ticket and couldn't drive 9 hours to go to the court date (and I wasn't speeding-I had cruise control on and the cop pulled out of a chicken factory and pulled me over because I had New York plates.  I pay all my actual tickets that I'm guilty of).

 

I wrote this post after I saw this week's prompts from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop.  1.) Last week we wrote about what we have never done…this week write a list of 22 things you HAVE done. (inspired by Sellabit Mom)

Wordless Wednesday-Pumpkin Picking

My Favorite Halloween Costume

It was my final year trick-or-treating.  I was 14 and in ninth grade, and wasn't sure if I was too old to trick-or-treat.  A lot of the other kids in my grade were going to Halloween parties, but I wasn't invited to any.

I was too old for the cutesy kid costumes and too young (and chubby) for the skanky grown-up ones.  I didn't know what to do until my dad came up with the perfect idea: wear his army dress greens from Vietnam.

My dad and I went to our basement and he opened the green metal cabinet that I'd always overlooked.  Inside hung two pristine uniforms: my dad's and my uncle's.

Examining the uniform and the dog tags was like visiting history.  I asked my dad a ton of questions about his time in the service.  I discovered that he was in Chem Corps and got to stay in the states, while my uncle was a medic stationed in Germany.  My dad joked that his brother came back 20 pounds heavier from all the food he ate there.

I tried on the uniforms, and, although my dad's was too small, my uncle's fit.  I called my best friend Iris, and she agreed to wear my dad's uniform.

On Halloween, we donned the caps, jackets, and trousers and went out.  Trick-or-treating was not that fun, and at one point, the police even stopped to ask us where we had been because some kids vandalized a house.  I was self-conscious about being too old, and a little embarrassed and upset that I wasn't going to a party like everyone else.

But I loved my costume.  I learned a lot from my dad because of it.  I felt like I was wearing history, which made me want to learn more about the Vietnam War.  It was like I was finally privy to a piece of family history that had eluded me until that point.

I got to look at old photos of my dad and uncle when they were in the service.  I found out my dad really did have a giant fro (I never believed it before I saw it), and that he looked like the guy in Welcome Back Kotter.

So even though the trick-or-treating experience wasn't the best, the costume and everything I learned about my family as a result made it an incredible experience.

This post was written in response to this week's RemembeRED prompt from Write on Edge. For Tuesday, reach back to a costume that made an impression. Was it yours? A friend’s? Maybe it was a costume you never got to wear. Show it to us with your words, draw us into the emotions it evoked at the time. Word limit is 400.
Also, I'm sorry if this post is not up to my usual caliber.  My youngest, Goober, has been really sick with a high fever since Thursday so I've been preoccupied and totally unfocused.

Road Rage

I have road rage.  When I'm driving, people irritate the hell out of me.  Are you going the speed limit or less?  You can bet I'm cursing you out as I plod along behind you.  No turn signal?  I will probably be shaking my fist at you and calling you an asshole.  Are you up my ass in your big SUV?  I will flip you the bird as I hit my brakes to go even slower, just to piss you off.

I know my road rage isn't a good thing, but I've seen worse.  Some people are really freaking crazy.  My actions are tame compared to some of the crap I've seen people do behind the wheel.  Like the time some guy took offense that my dad and I made a right turn into the parking lot before he made his left.  Yeah, we had right of way, but he didn't see it that way.  He leaned on his horn, got up our ass, and followed us until we parked.  Then he blocked us in.  We ended up having to call the police because we were afraid to get out of the car.  Really dude?  We were in a parking lot.  At an outlet mall.  Chill the hell out.

Or the time my boyfriend pissed off some guy in the Toys R Us parking lot.  He cut us off, my boyfriend honked, so he followed us and he parked next to us.  I was really pregnant with Princess at the time.  The guy got out of the car and started screaming at us and wanted to fight my boyfriend.  Oh yeah, and his toddler was in the backseat, terrified and sobbing hysterically.  I ended up getting out of the car and giving him a piece of my mind about how unfit of a father he was to act like that in front of his son.  It is not appropriate to tell a 20 year old to stop being a pussy and get out of the car so you can kick his ass when you're in your mid-40s and your son is watching.  I got him to drive away by threatening to call CPS on him.

Then there was the guy on the Thruway when we were driving home from my Oma's funeral.  The boyfriend was driving with me, my sister, and her boyfriend as passengers.  Some guy cut us off and we almost crashed.  So he honked at him.  The guy slowed down and we passed him.  Then he tried to sweve into us on purpose.  It was scary.  He started following us.  He would tailgate us, then switch lanes, pass us, and cut us off.    We got off the next exit, which wasn't ours, and he followed us.  I had to call 911.  By the time the state police caught up to us, we had driven about 20 miles out of our way and into NJ from NY, with this guy following us the whole time.  When he finally got pulled over, he told the police we followed him and he feared for his life.  Really?  I was hysterical when the trooper came to talk to us.  I had just buried my Oma and some crazy guy was trying to run my car off the road.  It was not a pretty scene, but the guy got a ticket or something.  I almost pressed charges, but I was too stressed out with everything else going on.

So now, I carry a beating stick in my car.  Yeah, you heard right.  It was actually my Oma's.  She kept it in her car in case of trouble (my Oma was an old-school German woman and she was no joke!)  My beating stick is a 2 foot long, 3" across piece of wood wrapped in black tape.  I thankfully haven't had to use it yet, but I've learned it is better to be safe than sorry, because some people are really crazy, and the littlest things can set them off.  And I'm going to make sure I can at least attempt to protect myself.

Fear

You need to come get me now. This was a mistake. I don't know how long until he finds me. Please hurry.


This post was written in response to this week's Red Writing Hood prompt from Write on Edge. This week, we invited you to compose a text–160 characters–that would either elicit or express fear.

Things I've Never Done

I'm 27 years old.  And I've never:

1. Cooked a steak (red meat grosses me out).

2. Gone hunting.

3. Owned a puppy.

4. Drank a glass of wine (sorry wine-lovers, every wine I've ever tried to taste was gross).

5. Been to Africa.

6. Set foot in a limo (they are deathtraps and they scare me).

7. Eaten a tomato (but I have learned to be okay with ketchup-and pizza sauce).

8. Gone within 10 feet of a horse (I am absolutely terrified of them).

9. Traveled to the Midwest.

10. Won the lottery.

11. Attended an opera (although I want to).

12.Used a grill (unless you count my George Foreman, which I've used twice in 8 years).

13. Watched Law and Order or its spinoffs.

14. Been married.

15.  Gone to prom.

16. Attended graduation.

17. Read or watched Twilight anything.

18. Given my daughter a bath (her dad has always done it-I only give Goober baths).

19. Worn colorful skinny jeans (or any skinny jeans).

20.  Stolen a car.

21. Gone camping (like in a tent or an RV).

22. Lived more than 2 1/2 hours away from my parents.


I used a prompt from Mama Kat's for this post.  The prompt was: 1.) Follow the template I copied from The Pioneer Woman without her permission and list 22 things you’ve never done.

Fall Memories

My Oma piles up the cushions on the driver's seat of her 1984 baby blue Toyota Corolla.  Giddy, my sister and I slide into the backseat.  We are greeted by the comforting scent of dog that always lingers in the car.  Long dog fur covers the throw and attach themselves to our clothes.

Oma drives slowly down the empty road as we look out the windows at the cows and horses.  Finally, we pass the large home modeled after an Italian Villa (Oma always calls it the mobster's house), and turn down the dirt drive to the orchard.

There are apple trees everywhere we look.  Many are heavy with fruit, but the ones closest to the road have already been picked clean.

Oma parks in front of the old blue house.  We run to the door and let ourselves inside before she even has a chance to get out of the car.

The only light inside is sunlight filtering through the windows.  There are tables full of apples-bagged, loose, red, green.  We pick a bag of red apples and I look to make sure they aren't bruised or bug-eaten (I am super picky with my apples-they have to be perfect or I won't eat them).

I run to the refrigerator and grab a gallon of apple cider.  Oma opens the register and deposits money for the apples and the cider.  Before we're even back outside, my sister and I are crunching apples, smiles on our faces.


This post was written in response to this week's RemembeRED prompt from Write on Edge.  This week we asked you to use the weather, or a photo of an autumn day bursting with color to inspire an autumnal memoir piece. Word limit is 300.

I knew I had to write, once again, about a memory I have with my Oma.  I loved going to her house in the fall because she would always take us to the apple farm.  It was always on a weekend morning when the store was closed, but, since she lived in a rural area, the farm owners would leave the door unlocked and trust anyone who came in to leave the money in the cash register.  I always thought it was so cool to be in a store that was closed and still get to pick out  my apples and cider.